Lost for Hope

The thoughts of hopeless people are all the same. Why is it like this, and when will it end, are the two main questions. For some, these questions come later in life; while for others, it comes at a much younger age. When one becomes hopeless, the world become monochromatic. Nothing seems to ever be right, and they typically never pull themselves out of the rut. For one small girl, the exact thing was happening. The catalyst for this occurred at age seven. There was no warning to why it happened, it just did. From that day forth, her hopelessness of ever seeing her father set in. Her mother spiraled into a deep depression; she would sit in her room staring into her eyes through the mirror. Not moving for hours, the children would worry. Her older sister began to take care of her. The world seemed to go upside down, it was like that for three long years.

The day came to her fourth-grade year, 10-years old. The hallways were filled with eager children, ready for a year of excitement and learning. Hope walked through the hallways, carrying her lunch-box by her side with a backpack full of new supplies. Her sister, Elise, walked her to her new classroom, full of new faces.
“Don’t forget, I’m picking you up after school,” Elise said, while adjusting Hope’s backpack straps. “I’ll meet you in the front where we came in, okay?”
Hope nodded, she was smiling one of the widest grins her sister has ever seen. Elise smiled back, bringing in her young sister.

“Everything will be okay,” she whispered into her ear.

“I know it will,” Hope exclaimed, yelling a bit. “I saw one of my friends go into my classroom! I’m gonna go check!”

As Hope ran into her classroom, her lunch box swinging by her side, Elise smiled. As she walked away though, he smiled turned into a deep frown. Wrapping her arms around herself, pulling her knitted cardigan tighter on her body. It was chilly outside; the cardigan was light enough to keep her warm she thought. The real reason she wore it every day though, was much deeper. It was the only thing he left that night. The only physical memory they had left of him. It was something she had kept close to her in the last three years, it was like he was always with her in a warm embrace. The dingy, blue-green cardigan had become a part of her. She was known for it, and after three years it began to define her. The once close-knit weaves where becoming loose, creating holes in the knitting. The bright colors that once stood out, were now dying out, becoming more of a dark shade of grey. It almost perfectly matched how she felt, it was a metaphor of her recent years.

She stared at the sleeve of the jacket intently, so much so, she ran straight into people. Apologizes followed as she looked at her watch and noticed she was nearly late for school. Her thoughts of her father had yet again taken time, and thrown it out the window. Elise had ten minutes to get to her school, which was usually a 15-minute walk from her sister’s. Today though, a walk turned into a sprint, as her sister watched her run away from her classroom window.
“Hello class,” a piercing voice called, “Let’s all take our seats, and introduce ourselves. I’ll go first; My name is Ms. Neeling, and I am your new fourth-grade teacher. This year we will have a great time together and I hope we all get along.” Her voice sounded like nails on a chalk board to Hope. Ms. Neeling was plump and short, much like an ompa-loompa, but she was extremely pale. Soon, she had everyone step to the front of the class, one at a time, and introduce themselves; name, birthday, and what they did that summer. After tons of exciting tales of adventures at grandparents’ house’s or going out-of-state, it came turn for Hope to tell the class.
“So, Hope,” Mrs. Neeling said, “Tell us a bit about yourself”.

Marching to the front, and turning her step to face the class, Hope breathed deeply and thought of something interesting to say.
“Hello, my name is Hope Smith, and I turned ten this summer. I didn’t do much this summer, except stay at home, really. But my big sister, her name is Elise and she is super-duper cool, took me to the library and took me to the swimming pool a lot! I got some cool books about astrology, the rainforest, and a really creepy movie, too”. The classroom looked bored, she was beginning to get nervous that no one would like her. “And me and my dad played hide-n-seek a lot too! He’s really good at it, he’s been hiding from me for, like, 3 years almost!”
The teacher looked up I horror, as the class awed from what they thought was the most legendary game of hide-n-seek to be played. Hope’s chest puffed up from pride with the attention, but it quickly died down when the teacher her told her that was enough. She strutted back to her desk, watching the next kid to get up to introduce themselves. As she slumped into her chair, she again looked at the windows. The green leaves of the trees were beginning to dye themselves colours of browns and reds. It was only just the first week of September, but it the temperature was already coming down and the wind was picking up. It was probably Hope’s least favorite time of the year, Autumn. Not because of the cold, or the fact she had to wear that ugly sweater her grandparents bought her. It was because this was when her game of hide-n-seek started.

The day was recorded in her memory. It played like a movie in her mind. She had just gotten picked up by her mother from school, and they went out for ice cream, while Elise was at lacrosse practice. They went to the Braums that was just a walk away from the school. Hope got double-fudge in a small cup, while her mother got her plain vanilla. The two sat at the table that was in between the door and restroom, laughing at the funny stories of when her mother was a kid. When they both finished and it was nearing to pick up her older sister, they went up to the counter and bought a milk-shake for Elise; Chocolate-vanilla swirl, both her dad and her sister’s favorite. As they drove to the fields, her mother turned on her favorite CD and the two jammed out the whole 15-minute ride. By the time they got there, the team was doing warm-downs, and discussing the schedule for their Saturday competition. The duo walked up, and her mother went to talked to the other mom’s, while Hope played on a near-by playground. Soon the duo turned into a trio, and they set off for their 10-minute car ride home. The part that she didn’t like was coming up. Hope tried to shut her eyes to not see it, but the images remained.

As they were driving down the highway, music blaring and windows opened, Hope noticed something. On the other side of the median, was a grey mini-van, just like her dad’s. A man who looked like it was her dad sat in the front seat looking frustrated from the pile-up of traffic. Some drunken idiot had gotten in a wreck a mile up the road, is what her mom said. Hope pointed at the car exclaiming, “It’s daddy, it’s daddy!”. Her mom looked at the car, noticing her frustrated husband at the wheel. “He doesn’t have work today,” she muttered to herself, “what is he doing?”. When they got home, the question was answered. Shelves were torn apart; the dresser was emptied. Almost everything that was his, was missing. Only two items remained: a letter addressed to “Jane, my love”, and a blue-grey cardigan, which looked like it fell as he was trying to rush out the house. Her mother, Jane, picked up the letter. Her sister grabbed the cardigan off the floor, trying to hand it to her mother. That day, Hope and Elise saw something they never thought they would have to see. They saw their mother break into tears; not soft but violent tears. Tears that turned into screaming, tears that turned into smashing picture frames and cutting out her husband’s face out of every family picture. Then, it devolved into reckless sobbing, locked in her room. The girls were scared, they didn’t understand anything at all. Elise took Hope to her room, telling her to wait. Hope sat on her bed, dazed and confused by the events that just happened. After 30-minutes of silently waiting, Elise came back. Her face stained with tears, and a piece of paper clutched in her hand so hard her knuckles matched the white paper. Hope stared at her, trying to read her expression; all she saw was pure rage and nothing else. It terrified her. Elise looked down at her trembling sister, noticing the fear in her eyes. Suddenly, her grip loosened; pure rage turned into an expression hope couldn’t place just right. Elise sat next to her sister and brought her closer.

“What’s going on, Elise?”

Elise hugged her tighter, almost bone-breaking tight. “Daddy is going away for a while. He wants to play a game of hide-n-seek, apparently. We have to find him, okay?”

“But, why is mommy so mad?”

“Because she doesn’t like this game”. Elise squeezed her small, frail sister once more. “No more questions for tonight. It’s late, why don’t we go to bed. Mommy says we won’t be going to school tomorrow, so you and I can sleep in”. With that Hope, got excited and asked if they could watch a movie. Elise smiled, the two picked out a movie. That night the game began, and that night changed the Smith family.

The sound of a ruler hitting a desk brought her back from the distant memory.

“Ms. Smith, I hope that you aren’t already spacing out,” her teacher whined. “It’s only the first day.” Hope shook her head and sat up. The attentive class sat, hypnotized by all the information of what they would be learning. Yet, across the way in a bigger school, in a sophomore English class, it almost the complete opposite.

“Okay kids,” a tired voice called, “I understand it’s the first day of the year, but we do not have any time to slack. We’ll be starting our first book; Lord of the Flies by William Golding.” All the kids grunted in displeasure. Upperclassmen had ruined the book for them, spoiling the end and telling them how boring it would be. One child stood out of the crowd though, excited to read the terribly boring novel. It was a young boy, sitting next to Elise.

“There’s an episode that The Simpson’s did on this!” He exclaimed. He was almost bouncing in his seat. Elise looked him up and down, his nerdy exterior was brought out by a Star Wars: Episode V shirt. Dad use to like Star Wars, she thought. She didn’t hate the saga, but she didn’t like it much either. It was always Hope’s and her dad’s thing, they had a lot of things like that. They were always close when he was still around. Her only memories of her dad were when he was with Hope or the night he packed up ditched them.

That was all in the past, now she didn’t have to worry about over-achieving as much. She didn’t have to impress her father anymore. Her mother was basically dead. All she ever did, when she was home, was sat in her room and sit in front of her vanity. Her mother still had an office job. One where, luckily, she didn’t have to talk to too many people.
Elise soon snapped out her trance when a small, paperback book was slammed onto her desk. As the class began to look at the book in disappointment, the teacher began to give instruction.

“I want you guys to read chapters one and two tonight. Tomorrow, we will have an open discussion over it. Everyone absolutely must participate tomorrow. If you do not, it will be points off your grade.”

The boy next to Elise looked excitedly at the book, really the only one to look at the cover in the classroom. Everyone was groaning about the text size and how boring it looked already. All the kids were sitting with their friends discussing how they would conquer the tiny book. Elise sat quietly though, studying the cover art. A giant, grotesque fly with a crown on its head. She thought it looked funny, thinking she would wear it on a shirt if she could.

As the teacher began her final remarks the bell rang, everyone was fumbling their stuff together to get to their next class. She yelled out something about not to forget the reading, but Elise was lost in the sea of students by that time. It was like a typhoon of faces she didn’t recognize. If she did recognize them, they were old friends, now sharks who were against her. The tides of school were changing. Everyone was growing up, moving to different reefs. New friend groups were forming, some were staying the same. Elise though, was a loner. She felt like she was stranded on a life-boat above the seas of her school. She could look down and watch all the fish and such swim by. If she even stuck as much as a finger in the water, she would be torn to shreds. The rest of her days in high school, she decided would just be her going with the flow. Getting good grades, not standing out, not getting eaten by the hungry sharks below.

They day went by for both sister’s. Hope’s day consisted of meeting everyone in her class, and recess; while Elise’s was filled with homework and the new stresses of SAT test preparation. It was going to be like nearly the entire school year. Just a repeat, day by day, same thing every day. September turned in October, and October breezed into November. It was in November when another life changing event happened; their mother had been fired.

Nearly 10 years of working that boring old job, never complaining or asking for much. Apparently, she had shown up late one morning and that was it. Their mother didn’t tell them, but when they came Elise saw a pink slip on the kitchen counter. It read to Jane Smith, their mother, and discussed details of constant tardiness. Elise’s face went to a stone-cold, disappointed expression. Hope stared at the paper, not fully understanding what had happened. It was the only thing keeping the family a float. Elise was too young to get a job, and Hope was out of the question.

Their mother stumbled into the kitchen, still in her work clothes. Her shirt was buttoned a third of the way down, and her shoes were missing. She had an empty wine bottle as an accessory. Almost her entire face was flushed, except her bright red cheeks and nose.

“Mommy got in a bit of a dilemma today, kiddos,” she slurred. “Mommy got fired, okay? So, we aren’t gonna have a lot of money for a while. We can’t go out anymore and no frilly-dilly spending, okay?” Elise nodded while Hope still looked confused.

“Why did they fire you, mom?” Hope asked. Elise automatically gave her sister the death glare. It was a glare that, when Hope saw it, she thought her big sister was angry. But it never was a look of anger, it was a look of fear; Fear of how her mother might react, fear of any violent outbreaks that could occur. She didn’t want to see her sister get hurt.
Her mom stepped forward, causing Elise to flinch. Her mother glared at her, then to Hope. A frightful, wide smirk was painted across her face, “The word is, mommy showed up two whole minutes late.” As those words slipped out, her smirk turned to a scowl. “Those damn bastards. After ten years, and this?”

The empty bottle in her hand was now flying across the room. As it flew, almost in slow motion, Elise huddled her little sister in her arms, wrapping tightly around her. Glass and wine went every direction as it hit the wall, Jane began to scream and yell and fling every object in her sight. Wrath had entangled her, there was no stopping it.
Elise had grabbed her sister and fled her mother’s terrifying fit of anger. Her screams could still be heard, with the accompanying crashes and bangs of unknown object. In Elise’s flight, she had run to the bathroom and locked the door. This wasn’t the first time she had to do so, it wasn’t going to be the last. Hope clutched to her like her life depended on it. Her nails were digging into her big sister’s neck and back.
Although Hope was 10 years old, she never knew what to do when it came to stuff like this. The violent outburst, the over drinking of cheap wine-in-a-box, and the words her mother used. She never understood them, it was all a foreign language. On the other hand, her brave big sister always knew what to do. Elise as Hope’s hero in times like these. Her calm, cool composure showed little to no emotion.
In Elise’s mind, she was terrified; and it was painted all over her face. The tears welling up in her eyes, about to fall down her cheeks at any moment. She bit her lip so hard, it felt like it was about to bleed. Her cheeks would be stark red from terror. All the while, she clutched her sister closer, almost strangling her. She never knew if her mother would come up and break down the door; the next move was always a mystery. The next move this time, was her mother’s.

“Girls!” Jane shrieked. “Get down here, I need you! Mommy hurt herself, she need your help.” There was no budge from Elise. Hope squiggled to try to free herself from her sister’s grip, but she would not move muscle. Hope looked up into her sister’s face, considering her brown eyes. They reminded Hope of brownies, or chocolate ice cream. Those light brown eyes calmed her down, bringing her squirming to a stop. They looked exactly like their dad’s eyes. Except dad had a little spot of blue on his left eye, but everything else was exact. Hope was jealous of them; all she had were her mother’s dark blue eyes. The eyes of a women who destroyed things out of spite; the women who seemed to attract trouble, the women who Hope believed to drive away her father.
She didn’t know that for a fact, but from what she saw she could feel it was her fault. Her mother and father loved each other, so why did he leave? It seemed she was the only one who didn’t know. Elise knew. Her mom knew. Hope didn’t. She had begged Elise for weeks to know what that stupid letter said, and the only answer she gave her was: it’s instructions for hide-n-seek. For a while she believed that, but as she got older that idea became just that. An idea. Hope wanted to read the letter for herself, she wanted to see her dad’s handwriting again. She could almost remember what he looked like, but just when she would get a clear image, her sisters would take over. The chocolate ice cream eyes. The faded cardigan. The way she held Hope. Even how her hair laid straight, without one single wave. It was exactly like her dad. It was what made her envious of her sister. Even though she sat there, clutched to her sister, she was still envious. She loved her sister so much, but Hope could not get that image out of her head. All she wanted to see was her father, and all she got was her sister. This thought made her cry. As she brought herself to her sister closer, she cried even harder.

Elise began to pat her back, hugging her tighter. She whispered that it was going to be okay, don’t cry, repeatedly. It just caused the tears to flow harder. This caused angry foot steps to parade up the stairs, followed by banging on the door.

“Elise! What did you do to your sister,” her drunken shrieks caused both of the to go quiet. “I swear to god, if you did anything to her I will kill you!”

Finally, her tears dived from her eyes, quietly sobbing. Not because of her mother yelling, but because of the threat to kill her. Threat was too weak of a word to describe it though, the power behind the words, the pure anger: it was a promise, a warning. Her mothered had pulled out her hair, broken a rib, and much more. She would not at all be surprised to be killed by her. Ice ran through her veins in the silent eternity of wait. After what felt like millennia, she heard her footsteps disappear going towards a bedroom. But Elise still sat there clutching her sister.

She still waited, her sister fell asleep at some point. When she did, Elise loosened her grip. She made a make-shift bed out of towels and toilet paper rolls. Laying her fragile sister down, she looked at her face. Hope reminded her of their mother. The same blue eyes, lips, hair; everything was the same. It scared her. Whenever she saw her walk through a door way, all she saw was the wavy black hair. The wavy black hair that terrorized her. The wavy black hair the bludgeoned her with a lamp once, only because she asked for five dollars for lunch. The wavy black hair that once tried to suffocate her with her own pillow, she didn’t even know why. What would bring her back from the nightmares, were Hope’s deep blue eyes. They were calm and loving, unlike her mother’s which were filled with rage. Hope’s eyes were filled with childhood innocence, and wonder. Elise could never fully read what she was thinking, she was always off in Lalaland. It made Elise happy though; knowing that her sister wasn’t poisoned by her toxic mother. It brought her peace.

Sunlight seeped through the window. Birds were chirping as the sound of an alarm rang. Elise put her ear to the door, hearing her mother go downstairs. Sounds of coffee being brewed along with the scent. The television came next, channel 15 news. It was the one with the news anchor mom thought was cute, the only reason she watched it. When the news was on, mom wouldn’t get off the couch for about an hour, only really moving to get her morning cup of joe. Elise took this chance, she picked her sister up. She was limp and heavy; the bedroom was right next to the bathroom. As she quickly tried to get her into her bed. Her footsteps were heavier due to her sister’s weight. Elise was noticing that she was getting a bit unfit since she stopped sports. The awkward waddle to bed finished with dropping Hope straight on the bed and an exasperated sigh from Eliseas she took another glance at Hope. Her body looking mangled from the way she lied her down. It made her giggle. She took a blanket and threw it on her sleeping sister.

Before she stepped out of the room, she stuck her head out. Looking both ways, as if she was going to cross street. Listening for her mother attentively, she scurried into her bedroom; Closing her door with the utmost care. She had made it to her safe haven. Her mother never went into her room, she didn’t know why, but she was thankful for whatever reason it was. Maybe it was the family pictures that lined her wall, all with her father’s face scratched out. Her mother did that the night he left. It was the last time she had ever gone in there. It felt like just yesterday. The distant memory of when her fears began.

Fears of violence and terror. Mental scars carved themselves onto Elise’s brain, bleeding screams and tear from the open wound. They were constantly salted with her mother’s words. How long could she take this? How long could she hide the slash marks on her back from her mother’s belt? How long could she live like this? An image of a noose flashed into her head, along with the sound of her father’s pistol. The pistol was in the attic, in the top drawer of what use to be her dad’s nightstand. It was loaded, she knew that. He made sure it was. She fell back into reality as she stared into her body mirror. Had she always been so thin, so frail? She lifted up her shirt, noticing the protruding ribs. Looking into her own eyes, she noticed they were void of emotion. When had this happened; her sunken cheeks and eyes? The grey skin tones? The eyes that were black instead of brown? What happened?

The entrance to the attic was a pull-down stair case. It was loud and creaky, but that was okay. She took the shaky ladder up into the dark, damp area. She switched on the lights to expose the dusty relics of her family’s past. Boxes of old toys and clothes that didn’t fit anymore. A large family portrait, the only thing her mother hadn’t destroyed of her dad. Everyone was happy, what happened. That’s right, Elise thought, he left. She began to explore all the corners. Finding a photo album with baby photos of herself. Half way through it, she found where Hope became a part.

Her little sister Hope. The ray of shine she had in her dark years. Those three dark years were all bearable because of that one shred of light. But now she was hopeless. Everyone has the same thoughts when they are hopeless; why is it like this and when will it end. For Elise, it was because her father left. That was what had led to the hopelessness in her heart. When I would end was soon for Elise. As soon as she found that nightstand it had ended. Absolute darkness flooded the shred of hope. It was over. She was hopeless.